I spent three decades of my life rejecting myself, my uniqueness, birthmarks, and flawless BE.auty.
I don’t feel real.
Not in my skin, my expression, what’s true to my heart, and at the core of my being.
I’m not authentic.
I still remember that day in August of 1997, Here I AM.
Welcome to America!
Finally, I stepped foot in the land of the free. Although, it felt a lot more like a prison cell to me than freedom in the following years.
It was first day of high school, Immediately I stood out.
I did not fit in.
I did not belong. My backpack wasn’t cool enough. My hair is black. My clothes weren’t tight. My lips didn’t shimmer. My eyes aren’t bright colored. I couldn’t wear heels. My feet were too small. I’m too short. I’m too sensitive. I’m too emotional. I don’t get jokes quickly like others. I didn’t do well with crowds and parties. I ask too many questions. I have an Alien card, and I certainly felt like an alien in the free land.
Too much of this and that, but I often felt not enough.
I wanted to disappear at that moment and everyday after that. Surely, suicide was something I battled on and off until I turned 30 years old. Depression was my comforter since it’s the only feeling that I felt resonated during that season. Numb to Self but felt alive to drugs, marijuana, alcohol, sex, fitness, the strive for success, performance.
I just turned thirty-eight years old this year. WOW! I’m still alive.
My heart wells up at the memory of my past. It feels good to finally be home to Self, and in my heart.
To embrace my Soul Authentic Expression.
To embody the fullness of who I AM.
Not self-rejecting anymore but enough for Self-love. The constant battle of feeling not enough, and spending three decades of my life-changing what I knew to be my true essence was exhausting only to fit in a box of mass production.
I don’t fit in.
Thank fucking God.
I never will.
I AM, Enough.
Just the way that I am!